Scream until you like it

I was planning a giant screed on the IPL, T20 cricket, the continual carping about it in the English press and the air of barely suppressed celebration at the suspension of Lalit Modi, but then the clouds cleared and I realised - it doesn't matter.

There are only a few sayable things about the IPL: The grounds are full. It's played ferociously, with intensity. It makes lots of money.

As a rapidly expanding, billion-dollar business, there may have been some sharp practice. What a shock. Something like that would be unheard of in a respectable, properly administrated arena like say, English banking.

Here's the truth: Modi and the IPL are a force majeure, a deus ex machina even, on the scale of Kerry Packer. They have repositioned the game, so get used to it.

Another truth: it's not Test cricket that T20 will harm. Test cricket must fight its own separate battle with the future. But it has finished the 50 over game. That's a dead man walking right there.

All the rest is just detail.

NB: I really like Shane Warne's deconstruction [below], bad spelling and all. The ideas on player retention and super rounds are very shrewd. Better than the ECB, isn't he...

Great areas, Shane...

Shane Warne's deconstruction of the IPL is here, and it's worth reading. The Old Batsman's in en route. When I get minute...

The Alternative IPL Awards 2010

The Golden Cap 'Most Money For Least Effort' Award: Yuvraj Singh

The 'Am I The Only One Who Realises Doug Bollinger Is Not Wasim Akram?' Award: Kieron Pollard

The Fake IPL Player Best Twitter Account: Lalit Modi

The Jacques Kallis 'Most Not Outs' Red Cap Award: Jacques Kallis

The DLF Maxx Mobile Citi Moment Of Success Karbon Kamal Commentator Who Remembered The Most Sponsors Award: Robin Jackman [runner-up Danny Morrison]

Best Resolution Of Long-Held Grudge Award: Harbhajan Singh 49* from 18 balls versus Andrew Symonds' Deccan Chargers

Best Hair: Saurabh Tiwary

Most Deserving Of A Sponsor's Bonus: Matthew Hayden's 'calling for' the Mongoose

Man of the Tournament: Lalit Modi [of course]. The 'Free The IPL One' Campaign starts here...

MIA

Had a couple of days of solid business - not much happened while I was out, did it? Just the two semi-finals, a couple of offices raided, questions asked in Parliament, the odd billion dollars going into franchises and 'coming out white', Lalit having to play a few shots off the back foot for a change... Thought so - business as usual. It's why the IPL kicks ass. Come back soon, boys.

The meeting this afternoon was enlivened by a discussion about CB Fry's ability to jump backwards onto a mantelpiece. That, and the sheer scale of the man's life, retains its ability to astound...

Education, education, education

'I'm not even going to try and pronounce that!'

Commentator Simon Doull, when the word 'Imperious' appeared on the big screen during RCB vs Mumbai.

Harbhajan Singh and the divine power of willow

Last year it was Sreesanth. This year it was Deccan that felt the implacable wrath of Harbhajan Singh [surely it's no coincidence that the name A. Symonds appeared on their team sheet]. His 18-ball 49 was the kind of innings that provoked a deep, chesty laugh and a shit-eating grin. 

For those who believe in the divining [and divine] power of willow, he was using a bat given to him by Sachin. That thing must have some universal vibes pulsing through it. But beyond that, Harbhajan is an example of a rarely discussed and probably underrated phenomenon, the bowler who can bat. 

It's a genre of its own, distinct from the bowling all-rounder [a group  that includes players like Graeme Swann and Daniel Vettori]. It's populated by men who came into the game to bowl, but then - by stealth, utilising a natural talent and via experience - batting ability, and often flair, asserts itself.

It's not usually measurable by average because performances will probably be sporadic and also late-flowering, meaning there is an early career's worth of stats to overcome. Bhaji's Test average is 16.86, his ODI 12.93. Shane Warne, a prime example of the breed, averaged 17.32 in Tests and 13.05 in ODIs; another goodie, Malcolm Marshall, averaged 18.85 in Tests and 14.92 in ODIs. In first-class cricket, you might pick out a player like John Emburey, who ended his career with seven first class hundreds, and ten Test fifties. 

All are or were dangerous. They have or had a little more to their batting than just tail-end hitting. It's a genre that, in T20 cricket and all of its freedoms, is likely to expand, because that style of batting is well-suited to a clear eye and a swing freed up by the lack of expectation. 

Not done yet

When Muhammad Ali fought Joe Frazier for the third time in Manila, as Frazier hit Ali with another thunderous left, Ali said, 'They told me you were finished Joe'.

'They lied,' was Smokin' Joe's reply.

The great ones usually find something even as the fire glows rather than burns, just as Shane Warne did yesterday in Ahmedabad. He's almost ready to let go - just not quite yet.

NB: Maybe it's the poems Mandira Bedi's writing for him...

Use your proper bat next time, eh?

This time last year, Matthew Hayden had, quite plaintively, gone barebat. Now our favourite pigeon-chested, gum-chewing tough guy has a deal, and it's the deal everyone is talking about. He's only gone and called for the Mongoose. And what's more, he's had the minerals to call for the original Mongoose, too, the little one, as opposed to the full-sized bats they're now making.

It's been interesting, and a little complex. The first time that Haydos issued the call [and surely it's only a matter of time before Mongoose provide him with some sort of pocket-sized Viking horn which he can blow when he wants it brought out], he bludgeoned five fours and seven sixes from the next 34 balls he faced. The second time he pulled it out, for the highly entertaining super over between CSK and Punjab yesterday, he was knocked over first ball, a ball he missed by a spectacular and not undisturbing distance.

First the obvious point. The Mongoose is not aimed at a player like Matthew Hayden, who can clear any boundary on earth with a regular bat and thus need not increase his risk. Until Lalit Modi decides to reward big shots with runs commensurate to the distance hit [oh, it'll happen...], the only value Hayden gained was novelty. The trajectory of his hits seemed slightly shallower, the forward momentum slightly greater, not unlike a punched iron shot in golf. He also selected his moment well, a flat low pitch on a day where pitching short was even more fraught with risk for the bowler. On those terms, it was a marketing stunt, nothing more. Unless you have an eye like Hayden's the bat remains essentially useless, or at least disadvantageous, in a match situation.

In short [and it is short], it's a very IPL bat. And yet a new piece of kit is teaching an old lesson. Hayden's power with the Mongoose came from the batspeed. The long handle helped, but the force of the hit came from the overall lightness of the bat. If the club player is to draw some value from the Mongoose, it's that weight is key. There's no point in having a bat so heavy you can't swing it fast. It's nothing new. As WG said of his first coach, his uncle Pocock, 'he made sure I had a bat to suit my strength'. 

What would be truly interesting would be to see Hayden using a full-size blade of around 2lbs 7oz. My guess is he'd hit it as far as the Mongoose. There's another interesting bat about to come onto the market, the Joker. It is more traditional in shape, but with the kind of profile you'd find on John Holmes in tight shorts. It weighs 2lbs 8ozs, and I guess [again] that it is the VHS to the Mongoose's Betamax. 

A final thought. If I was captaining against Hayden, I'd have the bowler try and knock his head off, and not bother about him being called for no balls. That'd be controversial, and Lalit would love it, of course... 

Unhappy medium

Although he probably hasn't seen it himself, Dirk Nannes is being captioned as 'fast-medium' on the IPL TV coverage, which for a bloke who has been up around 145kph and is acknowledged as nastily sharp when he's in the mood, is a kick in the teeth. And Dirk has good teeth.

The point at which fast-medium becomes fast has never been clear. Before everyone was on the speedgun, it seemed an arbitrary bit of knowledge, bestowed quite often by the descriptions in the Playfair Cricket Annual, where RGD Willis would be 'right arm fast' and IT Botham 'RFM' , a verdict that would usually extend onto the TV captioning and outwards into the great pool of common knowledge.

But now everyone is on the gun. In an excellent Guardian piece this week, Duncan Fletcher illuminated the difference between facing bowling of 130kph and 140kph. 'In Zimbabwe,' he writes, 'we actually recruited two South African baseball pitchers to come and throw at us as hard as they could from 19 yards. At first we could hardly get a bat on the ball...'

So in deference to technology, to avoid argument and to stop kicking ballsy Dirty Dirk in the teeth, we should probably pick a figure, maybe around 138-140kph, and award the unambiguous title 'fast' to anyone who can sustain that average over a few overs. 

Rajasthan 92 'Best innings ever' says Warnie

Shane Warne has called Rajasthan Royals' 92 all out against Royal Challengers Bangalore yesterday 'the best innings I've ever seen'.

The greatest bowler of his generation said, 'Believe me, I've played in the Australian team that lost the Ashes, seen India beat us after following on, watched England collapse hundreds of times but none match this. The Royals are leading the way once again'.

After Bangalore knocked off the 92 in 10 overs, Warne was heard muttering that Jacques Kallis was 'the fattest cricketer I've ever bowled to'.

Later he twittered that the Rajasthan Royals baseball cap would now be known as 'the Baggy Blue'.

 

Not the IPL news

Virender Sehwag has signed for Northamptonshire for the T20 Cup this summer. Alright, it's a bit like Robert Plant joining Saxon, but it confirms an undeniable trend: There's no IPL in England, but there's an approximation of it, built by stealth.

The rosters aren't complete yet, but joining Viru will be Shahid Afridi, Abdul Razzaq and Ajantha Mendis [Hants], Adam Gilchrist [Middx], Shaun Tait [Glamorgan], Cameron White and Keiron Pollard [Somerset], Tillakaratne Dilshan, Dwayne Smith and Yassir Arafat [Sussex], Herschelle Gibbs [Yorkshire], Kumar Sangakkara [Lancs], David Hussey and Dirk Nannes [Notts] and little Brad Hodge [Leicestershire].

Wonder how long it will be before Giles Clarke starts taking the credit?

DLF IPL 2010: Best commercial developments so far

In reverse order:

3. The Coca-Cola logo on AB De Villiers' helmet. 

The combo of logo, helmet colour and style make it look like he's wearing a plastic toy fireman's hat provided by a fast food chain.

2. The Fly Kingfisher Third Umpire Decision Big Screen

The animated Kingfisher plane seems to take at least 15 seconds to fly across before 'out' or 'not out' appears. Tonight, AB had to stand there in his fireman's helmet for ages to discover whether he'd been run out. [He had].

1. The Maxx Mobile Time Out

Would love to have been a fly on the wall when Lalit sold them that one. 'Yeah lads, well the DLF Maximum and the Citi Moment Of Success have gone, but you can have the bit when the game stops for some adverts - it's going to be big...'

Best sell from the commentary box to date:

Danny Morrison debating with himself whether the muffed but successful run-out of AB De Villiers by Piyush Chawla could count as a Citi Moment of Success, as we waited for the Fly Kingfisher animated plane to pass over, AB in his helmet...

Lalit Modi's Night of the Hunter

To lightly paraphrase the late Dr H.S. Thompson, 'The sports business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There is also a negative side'.

Lalit Modi probably doesn't know who Hunter Thompson was [although given the US college drug bust, maybe he does], but he understands the instinctive wisdom in the above quote. It informs the thinking behind his demand that bidders for the new IPL franchises have an individual worth $1bn in their midst.

'We put a high-end clause because we need to get solid companies,' he said. 'The business requires a long gestation period and that is the reason we want to secure ourselves'.

Anyone doubting the need for such a guarantee need only look [as Modi surely has] at football's English Premier League, which has one club in administration and wobbles like an Icelandic bank on a pile of magic beans; it's a long and shallow trench where clubs' assets can legally be used to secure the debt that bought them [The Glazers at Man Utd and Hicks and Gillette at Liverpool], where human rights abusers like Thaksin Shinawatra can pass the 'fit and proper persons test' for owners [Manchester City] and where clubs can change hands four times in a season [Portsmouth], each times to owners who haven't actually got any money. Your Russian oligarchs [Chelsea] might be be unpleasant, but at least they can pay the bills. 

The IPL has never pretended to be about anything other than money. When the cheques come in, Lalit needs people who can cough up. To employ another couple of Hunter's thoughts: 'In a world of thieves, the only sin is stupidity.' 

And then there's this: 'For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled'...

Lalit knows how to make it

The cost of downloading the tender form for one of the new IPL franchises:

$7,000.

That'll keep the timewasters away.

At least you know where you stand, Giles

Poor old Toni Terry, put-upon wife of England's Brave John Terry, knows where she ranks now that the great man has run to her side in Dubai a mere three Premier League games after his shagging exploits caused her to flee. She's more important that a cup tie against Cardiff, but less important than matches against Everton, Hull and Arsenal.

Then there's Elin Nordegren, wife of Tiger Woods. She's proving more important than all golf tournaments this season, but then Tiger doesn't usually play in those anyway. The acid test - is she more important than the Accenture World Matchplay and the Arnold Palmer tournament at Bay Hill - await.

Spare a thought too, for Giles Clarke and the ECB. They had the whole English season nicely planned out before Lalit Modi let them know that they'd have to shift things around a bit because of the Champions League, passing the message along via the prestigious route of Twitter.

At least Allan Stanford and the Rajasthan Royals bothered to turn up at Lord's. Allan even brought a helicopter. Still, you know where you rank now Giles. Just keep an eye on that Twitter page...