KP: not working geographically

Every club has one - the bloke who plays about twice a season, and when he does, turns up in a sports car and expects to bat number three. Hampshire got rid of theirs yesterday.

'Geographically it doesn't work,' sniffed KP. 'I live in Chelsea'.

'We haven't seen as much of KP as we'd like,' said Hampshire chief exec Rod Bransgrove, a master of understatement. Pietersen played a T20 game for Hants last week - the first time he'd turned out for them since May 2008. It was obvious something was afoot when KP arrived at the ground [in a sports car, natch] and Hampshire didn't have any kit ready for him. It wasn't as if no-one knew he was coming.

Hampshire's point is simple: Pietersen plays for England, not them. He is released so rarely, they must feel a bit like Tom Jones's wife - always waiting for him to come home. The ECB even stopped him attending a 45-minute fan Q&A before next week's one-dayer at the Rosebowl. The odd bit of glory they get from having his name on the squad list is no longer enough of a pay-off.

And KP lives in Chelsea of course, which for the uninitiated is about an hour and half's spin down the M3 from the Rosebowl. Less, probably, in a sports car. It's also legal in England for him to live closer to the ground.

Now that KP doesn't do travel, he'll be turning out [or not, actually] for either Surrey or Middlesex next year. A better solution might be for him to remain unattached. Plenty of counties would be prepared to give him a game on the rare occasions he's available, but then the thought of Surrey is pretty irresistible too: KP and Ramps in the middle order? I'd buy a ticket...

ECB: Right on the case

The ECB have placed some press ads ahead of the domestic season's Twenty20 Cup, which starts in June. Great idea, given that events in the Caribbean are still buzzing around in the minds of the new generation of cricket followers.

So which members of England's World Cup winning squad who'll be available to play did the ECB marketing team select to get the kids excited? Lumb? Kieswetter? Wright? Yardy? Bopara?

The names on today's Observer ad: Symonds, Gibbs, Vaas.

Good job, boys...

At least you know where you stand, Giles

Poor old Toni Terry, put-upon wife of England's Brave John Terry, knows where she ranks now that the great man has run to her side in Dubai a mere three Premier League games after his shagging exploits caused her to flee. She's more important that a cup tie against Cardiff, but less important than matches against Everton, Hull and Arsenal.

Then there's Elin Nordegren, wife of Tiger Woods. She's proving more important than all golf tournaments this season, but then Tiger doesn't usually play in those anyway. The acid test - is she more important than the Accenture World Matchplay and the Arnold Palmer tournament at Bay Hill - await.

Spare a thought too, for Giles Clarke and the ECB. They had the whole English season nicely planned out before Lalit Modi let them know that they'd have to shift things around a bit because of the Champions League, passing the message along via the prestigious route of Twitter.

At least Allan Stanford and the Rajasthan Royals bothered to turn up at Lord's. Allan even brought a helicopter. Still, you know where you rank now Giles. Just keep an eye on that Twitter page...

So what do they see in the multi-millionaire employers the ECB?

Well we now know that Ottis Gibson is one of life's glass-half-full merchants. Only an optimist goes to work for the WICB as West Indies coach, after all [good luck Ottis, pal. No, really...] 

The ECB remain world cricket's favourite employers though, judging by the list of candidates said by the papers to be interested in the vacancy for uttering the words 'wrist positions' and 'right areas' a lot, whilst deconstructing the inner life of Ryan Sidebottom over dinner.

As of the first 24 hours, the list stands at: Allan Donald, Jason Gillespie, Geoff Lawson, Darren Gough, Mike Kasprowich, Shaun Pollock, Kevin Shine, Phil DeFreitas, Steve Watkin, Vincent Barnes and Ian Pont. 

Form an orderly queue outside the office marked 'Clarke' lads...

NB: Here's a name they should perhaps consider: Wasim Akram. 

Refusal

American authorities have refused to arrest Sir Allen Stanford.

Unlike the ECB, who have merely refused to admit they know him.

They 'announced' the P20, a competition previously hyped as the EPL, the other day. The news sneaked out like a guilty secret about 6pm in the sure and certain knowledge that everyone else [apart from David Hopps] was writing about the Test squad. 

And here is the news: The EPL was going to include an Indian XI and the Stanford Superstars. The P20 isn't. The EPL was going to feature city franchises and player auctions. The P20 isn't. The EPL was going to develop the game and the format, Lalit-style. The P20... ah, you guessed it. 

It's just a bunch of county teams playing a shorter tournament than the Pro40, which it's replacing. But don't tell anyone. 

Just leave it, Giles

There comes a day, at the end of the English winter, when everything changes. The air feels gentle, the sky's a less brittle blue, the sunlight not quite as low and harsh, the shadows it casts softer at the edges. It provokes a mix of nostalgia and anticipation, a sense memory of old summers and a pang for the one to come. 

Yesterday was that day, good enough to play cricket on. It went quickly, and the first week of the season, still months away, will be rainy and cold, but that's alright because things have changed. 

Yesterday it didn't matter that England had four bowlers in various stages of knackeredness, that Allen Stanford might be some kind of peasant-slaughtering gringo drug lord and that, with their usual immaculate timing, the ECB's ballot form for tickets to the Stanford Super Series arrived in the post.

The people affected by Stanford are the ones queuing up outside the banks in Antigua and Venezuela trying to find out if they've got any money, not a few adminstocrats with big-man offices at Lord's.

Summer's coming as it always has, and not even Giles Clarke can fuck that up. 

Full extent of Stanford fraud exposed

Penniless Sir Allen Stanford has today revealed the full extent of the fraud that has cost him 'in excess of $20m'. 

'It's a con on a massive scale,' said Sir Allen from the secret location at which he is currently hiding from Giles Clarke. 'They told me they were sending a cricket team over. You should have seen them. They were useless. Looking back, I don't believe that they had ever played a game of Twenty20 before'. 

Speaking of the moment when the deception became public, Sir Allen went on: 'As soon as this guy Ian Bell opened the batting, I began to get the feeling that I'd been had. And when Steve Harmison started bowling, I knew it for sure.'

Stanford claimed to be unaware of the reputation of Giles Clarke and the ECB. 'We conducted due diligence, but hell, I'm American. I'd never heard of these cowboys. That Lord's place looked good, but now I'm thinking it probably wasn't even theirs.'

Told of Stanford's claims, Giles Clarke said, 'We contracted with Sir Allen to provide a cricket team, and as far as I'm concerned, that's what we did. I've seen Ian Bell's passport and it definitely says 'cricketer' in the back. Sir Allen knew exactly what he was getting. By the way, if you see him, can you tell him he still owes us four more matches. He doesn't seem to be answering his phone.'

Sir Allen concluded: 'I'll admit their girlfriends were nice, but they weren't worth $20m. Getting involved with the ECB has ruined me. I expect I'll end up in prison'.

From underneath the Black Cap

Iain O'Brien has a blog. If he were English, it's inconceivable that it would exist. It contains a terrific description of his second innings at the Gabba.

On the subject of online worthiness, David Hopps is blogging for the Guardian from India. Here he is on the frustrations of trying to interview Monty Panesar via the ECB politburo. 

Compare and contrast. 

The Stanford Non-Prison Experiment (ii)

The papers here in England were a festival of predictability, albeit mitigated in terms of length by their need to devote several acres of otherwise useful space to the latest developments at Harringay Hotspurs and/or some man who drove a billion-dollar racing car slightly faster than some other man. The prevailing view, naturally, was: England - rubbish, Stanford Superstars - heartwarming, now can we go to India please... 

But the nugget of elusive truth was in there, and the Batsman finally stumbled on it via this quote from Giles Clarke, the ECB's own shining superstar: 'the week has brought to the surface a large amount of cultural and philosophical issues'.

Giles old mate, you've got that one right. 

Some years ago, Bill Drummond, who was a pop star with a group called KLF, took a million quid - which represented most, if not all, of his earnings from said group - and threw the lot onto a bonfire. It was meant to be some sort of arch art-terrorism prank, but as Drummond later admitted, it ruined his life. 

England had tied themselves in knots over earning an easy mil - 'can I smile when we pick up the cheque; how long should I leave it before I buy the new motor etc etc' - when the real freight of Stanford's brutally brilliant offer has its heft elsewhere. Each of the defeated players will, one quiet evening many months from now, realise that they do not have $1m. They would not be human if they didn't. Drummond suffered months of depression as the feeling sank into his bones.

Sporting careers, like life in the middle ages, can be nasty, brutish and short. As Chris Gayle said, 'who doesn't need a million dollars?'. What England did wrong was allow liberal guilt to eat into their heads like brainworms. 

In Clarke's desire to get the players a sop as the IPL set sail without them, he certainly considered the downsides of England winning the match. But how long did he think about the downsides of not winning it? 

NB: The county chairmen who elected Clarke to the ECB are now astonished to find that Giles, who after all has an MA in Persian from Oxford as well as various wine and pet emporiums, has been outnegotiated by a billionaire financier from Texas with many years of experience in ramping sports events and another man who turned India into the new powerbase of the game overnight. They might not even re-elect him, they threaten. Now, now chaps. English cricket didn't get where it is today by being hasty...