Tuesday 20 October 2009

Michael Vaughan's Diary

Okay, is this thing on? Great. So some people want the diary of Michael Vaughan? Not a problem. Just sort the contract out with Chubs, and Michael Vaughan is all yours for exactly seventeen minutes per month. Because writing's an official string to Michael Vaughan's bow these days. You provide the tape recorder, the venue, the car to and from, and the little bloke who types it all up, and I'll write for you. And for the Telegraph of course. Those boys were first in for a slice of the Michael Vaughan post-cricket brand, as we like to call it.

People say to me, 'Michael, how is England's greatest-ever captain going to adapt to life after the game?' And I tell them straight, 'look the crying has to stop soon. You can't keep grieving for Michael Vaughan and his captaincy and his batting and everything he gave to the game'. Let Michael go. 

It's like I said to Straussy in our daily chats this summer when I was telling him how to win the Ashes against that Aussie side that was just a shadow of the one I beat in 2005, 'Straussy,' I said. 'You've got a job to do. I'm there in the hearts of all the lads, so dry your eyes mate, get out there and give it to them. And if you're saying to yourself when you're out on that field WWMD? [What Would Michael Do?] well, I'll just give you a wry old smile from wherever I am'. It's alright mate. 

Anyway, can I just say at this point, I'm a very keen skier now, but only at the Chalets Des Deaux Domaines in Peisey. I'm contractually obliged to do that. You don't mind, do you? I get a very nice yield on the property there.  

I've still got people coming up to me in the streets, tears in their bloody eyes the silly beggars, going, 'I can't fucking believe that twat Geoff Miller didn't call you in for the Oval. I mean, what would have put the wind up the Aussies more, that bloody rubbish Jonathan Trott or the sight of Michael Paul Vaughan gliding to the crease looking like god as usual?'

I say to them, 'I know your pain. But at 35, having achieved it all, what was going to drive Michael Vaughan on?' What would England have done with all of that knowledge? It would have inhibited them, having a living legend on the field.

I was doing an interview the other day - not one of my ones that appear in the Telegraph, but where I was the subject, and the guy says to me, 'So Michael, if the ECB just admitted that they need that daft old England legend with the gammy knee and the bloody nice little property portfolio he's built up, if they finally admitted it to themselves, would you go back and just run world cricket and bloody sort it out?'

Sure, I said. Michael Vaughan will do that for you. Just put that call in Chubby in the morning, and I'm all yours, boys - one and half days per four weeks.

NB: With a nod to Andy Bull's excellent interview in the Guardian today.


Cricket BettingBlog said...

You didn't mention the way he ran his fingers through his hair after taking his helmet off while looking accross his shoulder at the big screen on his way back to the pavillion after yet another single figure score, he always did this after every innings.

He was never looking at the big screen to see how he got out, he just wanted to check his hair was in right place before the Sky cameraman rushed out to greet him.

Chubby must have told him to continually do this as it made up part of his contract with 'Advanced Hair Studio'.

God, how I miss those days!

pRAFs said...

I've been following this blog since about 6 months now.
never commented before, but must say, this site is top drawer.
its a treat to read

The Old Batsman said...

Yeah, the hair ruffle and the baffled look every time he'd been bowled. I'm missing him too... And cheers Prafs!

Patricia said...

You've done it again - another excellent and really amusing article. Are you a journalist? If not, why are you not a journalist?

Another question. Who is this Andy Bull who writes in the Guardian? Was he once an England cricket psychologist?

per head service said...

I could not agree more with Patricia's comment, she really got a point there because I also liked this post a lot because of excellent quality of this article