Saturday 28 March 2009

The Anxiety For Newness

Yesterday was a bad day for English sport. But today will be a good day, because today, something very special will happen. Just before 5.15pm GMT, England's footballers will remove their one-off 'Anthem Jackets'* and reveal the new kit that they will be wearing as they selflessly represent us.

It's not just a kit though. Designed to give them a 'psychological advantage', it has 'been built from the inside out, bringing together an innovative design philosophy with classic English tailoring'. 

Oh there's more, too, much more. Responding the the FA's [perfectly understandable] 'anxiety for newness and something majestic', manufacturers Umbro have come up with a kit that is 'the critical pilot light for the entire company'. 

And thank God they have. Featuring seams that are 'a bit more honest' and with 'detail in the minutiae' that extends to spacing on the ventilation holes that 'echoes the configuration of some of the roses on the England crest, it's a bit of a Da Vinci Code, a 'rose code' if you like'... 

'We also considered the state of our society and culture, and these are things as a designer you can't help but consider'.

So true, so true. I'm not even a designer, and I'm considering them now, pal. Here's the kicker though. The inspiration for this top amongst tops came from Umbro's visit to the National Football Museum, where they saw the first ever England shirt. 

'It had a knitted double diamond on it next to the crest but the diamond wasn't an Umbro logo because it dates back many years before Umbro was even founded. It's weird though, it's almost like the Umbro connection was written in the stars'.

You understand now why today is such a good day for England, for all Englishmen and women. As opposed to yesterday, when England's ODI kit failed so badly in its mission to provide that 'psychological advantage'.

The neologisms of cricket gear are but cave paintings compared to this. It's clear that the day a delegation from Umbro, Nike or whoever enter the Lord's museum and stare at something pulled on by WG before responding to the ECB's 'anxiety for newness and something majestic' is the day a little part of our souls die, my friends.

* Anthem jackets: 'A very pure garment. The badge on it is tonal'. Didn't you just know it?


ceci said...

What glorious twaddle you do unearth.

....'been built from the inside out,'.... hurrah! they will have their underpants on over their training tights and will be Supermen and vanquish the opposition!

(I expect Sep Blatter will have something very cross to say about this)

The Old Batsman said...

I actually tuned in to watch the 'anthem jackets' removed and the kit to be revealed.

It's a polo shirt.

It retails at £50.

Turned off before the game started, obviously.

Damith S. said...

So Im guessing the Anthem Jackets dint work ?