Monday, 15 November 2010

Australia: The Hilditch Situation

'Yeah, okay, you've busted us,' said Andrew Hilditch earlier today, speaking exclusively to this blog. 'I'm surprised no-one's spotted it before. Our entire build-up to this Ashes campaign has been a Situationist prank. Well, you've got to do something to shift the tickets, haven't you?'

Hilditch made his comments after appearing at the 'grand unveiling' of Australia's 666-man Ashes squad under a piece of tarpaulin near the Sydney Opera House, an event attended by a cast of up to 30 Situationist actors who huddled beneath umbrellas and expressed ironic regard for Australia's chances in the forthcoming series. 'One of the guys in marketing at CA is a bit of a fan of Guy Debord, and he made the suggestion,' Hilditch said. 'We actually thought we'd be found out sooner. I mean, we did appoint Greg Chappell as a selector while the boys were in India. I was pissing myself when we came up with that one...'

'The clues have all been there,' Hilditch went on. 'We needed to break the spectator's passivity towards the spectacle, so we did stuff like persuading Mike Hussey to get his average down and picking Nathan Hauritz. Then today we chose every State player we could think of whose surname begins with an 'H' EXCEPT for Phil Hughes! Bloody ripper!'

'And I got Mitch Johnson to play a Grade match at the weekend, and the nutter bowled 11 wides! As you know, he's a big Asger Jorn fan, and he's spent the past couple of years establishing an almost perfect paradigm of alternative inadequacy'.

'Anyway,' Hilditch concluded, 'we might knock it on the head after this round of State games. After all, we can only go on pretending to be like England for so long...'

5 comments:

Mark said...

Hilditch - the 'Happy Hooker'. On the 1985 tour to England his ability to get caught hooking was at first hilarious, and them downright embarrassing - to the extend that the England slip cordon were actually shaking their heads in disbelief when he did it in the last test!

Sidthegnomenator said...

This England of 10 years ago impersonation is really getting out of hand, isn't it?

Carl said...

Great to know about the Hilditch who made his comments after appearing at the 'grand unveiling, and also this post is great.

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Brit said...

Good work, OB.

You know I'd really like to happen? For Mitchel Johnson to open the bowling on the first day of the first Test and bowl a wide to third slip...cut to Harmison in the stands.

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