Tuesday, 31 March 2009

The Strauss Two

Occasionally - rarely - it can be worth interviewing England cricketers who are not Kevin Pietersen.

Richard Hobson's piece with Andrew Strauss in the Times today yielded a nugget: 'He thinks he knows nine of the eleven he would like for the first [Ashes] Test at Cardiff, declining to identify the two vacant places'.

Who are the Strauss Two? Acknowledging the wishes of the captain by keeping this item blind, OAS will be one, music to the ears of IRB, RSB and of course MPV. 

But IRB is one of three dumped by Strauss so far, with MSP and SJH. So the news that either the spinner's spot or the third seamer is settled [do the math, as the kids say] is bad news for one or the other. Which could it be?

Strauss would offer only coded clues: 'We must acknowledge that an Ashes series is different to others. I am thinking of the extra attention, expectation, pressure, and the brand of cricket Australia play. We cannot afford for any of our players to be surprised by the challenge'.

Given that SJH is constantly surprised by everything that ever happens to him ['I need to sit down and have a chat with Straussy, find out where I stand' etc] and MSP subsides into Bambi-eyed shock every time a batsman gets after him, it's still hard to tell. 

Maybe it's even a further incentive to that Pro Arch century-maker, who only ever looks surprised when he's bowled

Answers on a postcard.

NB: One of Strauss's finest attributes is his refusal [so far] to refer to himself in interviews as 'Andrew Strauss'. So let's hope Andrew Strauss gets what Andrew Strauss wants.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Ravi Bopara and Phenomenological Reality

Reality, n. what is real; the state of things as they actually exist.

The reality of being England's coach:

27 March 2009, Bridgetown, Barbados
Ten minutes before the 3rd ODI between West Indies and England. Sky Sports transmit a new interview with Ravi Bopara, conducted by Nasser Hussain.
Nasser Hussain: 'Fidel Edwards has bowled some terrific spells'.
Ravi Bopara: 'Yeah, his short ball is ten yards quicker than his normal ball'.

27 March, 2009, Bridgetown, Barbados
3rd ODI,West Indies versus England
Fourth ball of the sixth over. Cricinfo commentary: 'Edwards to Bopara OUT. That's awful from Bopara. Quick and aggressive. Bopara tried to hook and it got big on him. The ball made its limp and feeble way to mid-on'.

You see, you can tell them and tell them, but you can't do it for them... For Andy Flower and for England too, much now depends on Friday's final ODI. 

Those who argue that reality can only be experienced as a personal interpretation of events will say that it all comes down to how you see it:

England win the match, and the series: They have come through a difficult winter with an ODI series win. They were narrowly defeated in the Tests following a fluke collapse that can be explained by the delayed shock of the Pietersen affair. They responded by coming within one and then two wickets of winning the next two matches. Andrew Strauss, the player of the winter, and Andy Flower have formed a strong bond and need time to develop their team.

England lose the match, and the series: They have been beaten in all formats by a team they should have defeated. They have won only two games, one of them because of a clerical error. Strauss and Flower have failed to convince Kevin Pietersen, the team's premier batsman, and morale remains suspect. They are, essentially, a second choice captain and a second choice coach.

Which way will it go? Depends how you look at it, really.


Saturday, 28 March 2009

The Anxiety For Newness

Yesterday was a bad day for English sport. But today will be a good day, because today, something very special will happen. Just before 5.15pm GMT, England's footballers will remove their one-off 'Anthem Jackets'* and reveal the new kit that they will be wearing as they selflessly represent us.

It's not just a kit though. Designed to give them a 'psychological advantage', it has 'been built from the inside out, bringing together an innovative design philosophy with classic English tailoring'. 

Oh there's more, too, much more. Responding the the FA's [perfectly understandable] 'anxiety for newness and something majestic', manufacturers Umbro have come up with a kit that is 'the critical pilot light for the entire company'. 

And thank God they have. Featuring seams that are 'a bit more honest' and with 'detail in the minutiae' that extends to spacing on the ventilation holes that 'echoes the configuration of some of the roses on the England crest, it's a bit of a Da Vinci Code, a 'rose code' if you like'... 

'We also considered the state of our society and culture, and these are things as a designer you can't help but consider'.

So true, so true. I'm not even a designer, and I'm considering them now, pal. Here's the kicker though. The inspiration for this top amongst tops came from Umbro's visit to the National Football Museum, where they saw the first ever England shirt. 

'It had a knitted double diamond on it next to the crest but the diamond wasn't an Umbro logo because it dates back many years before Umbro was even founded. It's weird though, it's almost like the Umbro connection was written in the stars'.

You understand now why today is such a good day for England, for all Englishmen and women. As opposed to yesterday, when England's ODI kit failed so badly in its mission to provide that 'psychological advantage'.

The neologisms of cricket gear are but cave paintings compared to this. It's clear that the day a delegation from Umbro, Nike or whoever enter the Lord's museum and stare at something pulled on by WG before responding to the ECB's 'anxiety for newness and something majestic' is the day a little part of our souls die, my friends.

* Anthem jackets: 'A very pure garment. The badge on it is tonal'. Didn't you just know it?

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Harold, Alf and me

Harold Pinter called cricket 'God's greatest creation'. The Nobel laureate had no problem denouncing governments and rubbishing prime ministers and presidents with a few well-placed f-words, but he was too shy to meet Len Hutton, his all-time hero. Above his writing desk he had a portrait of himself batting in the nets, given to him by the cricket club he formed, the Gaieties. 

I didn't recognise Pinter in the painting, but I knew the net he was batting in instantly; it's as familiar to me as any house I've ever lived in. It's Gover's Cricket School, Wandsworth, and what's more, the stumps in the portrait are the wrong colour - they were grey not brown.

Seeing that thick canvas net again brought everything about the place back. The stairs were so narrow you had to take your bag up longways. They opened out onto a snooker room and a small bar, both dimly, effortfully lit by yellowing bulbs, the changing rooms tucked behind, smelling of leather and Deep Heat. Entry to the nets was up another thin, dark corridor, a walk you'd make for the first time with plenty of butterflies in the stomach, for the four narrow lanes behind the canvas doorway had hosted - and still did - some of the greatest players in the game, from Andy Sandham and Alf Gover, who'd founded the school, to Viv Richards, Andy Roberts, Barry Richards, Garry Sobers, Frank Tyson, Ian Bishop; even, way after I'd last left the place, Brian Lara.

The nets themselves were no more than 18 yards long. Bowlers might get five strides in if they were lucky. The building was an old garage with no electricity supply, lit with gas lamps that smelled damp and eggy, especially first thing in the morning. There was no heating. The temperature lifted only incrementally. The mats were made of some indeterminate kind of vinyl of the sort I've not seen before or since, but they were quick and true. The ball could thud into the canvas behind with the sound of a carpet being beaten. The place was steeped in cricket, it surrounded you, almost holy. 

Amongst it all was Alf himself, in his seventies by then. I must have seen him hundreds of times and he was always dressed identically: immaculate cream flannels, a white cravat under his stiff collar, hair swept nobly back and, most impressively, his England sweater, three lions in its centre, now so long it almost reached his knees. Sometimes, in his office, which was behind the snooker room, he would wear a blue England blazer, too. 

It was tradition that anyone's first lesson at the school would be with Alf, and occasionally after that too. Being young and full of piss and vinegar, I didn't really like 'getting Alf' as it was known. He bowled little round-arm dobbers, and often called the ball he was going to bowl: 'one to drive...' It all seemed so... gentle. 

What I know now of course is that the arm was round from an epic career of 1,555 first class wickets at 23.63. I wish I'd relished it more, enjoyed the moment more, but I didn't. I didn't like 'getting Alf'. 

My coach for several years was, in complete contrast, an Australian named Jim Cameron. Jim was a buccaneering, quixotic figure, red-headed and bearded, fiery and wise. He'd spent so many hours bowling, he could do almost anything from peppering you with a new ball to all kinds of weird, wristy spins. He was usually in the company of impossibly glamorous women who seemed to be in his thrall and he often looked like he'd been up all night, which he probably had. Jim taught me how to bat, properly bat, and he toughened me up. There were no helmets then, and no health and safety either, not that Jim would have taken much notice of either. 

Jim was often behind the bar serving drinks too. All kinds of people met in that bar. I never saw Harold Pinter, but Timothy West, the actor, took his son along; Monty Lynch used the nets in the winter, pounding ball after ball; Jim and the other Australian coaches brought in all sorts, most of whom engaged in long snooker matches on Alf's pay-as-you-go table; Alf would, very occasionally and if the bar was quiet, tell some stories, too. I remember one about the time he was night-watchman at the Oval for Surrey, and somehow - he was a proper number eleven - survived long into the next morning, until his partner walked down the wicket and told him it was about time he got out. His partner was Percy Fender. His captain was Douglas Jardine. Alf once opened the bowling for MCC in India, and, in the grip of the dreaded belly, simply ran past the stumps without delivering the ball, straight up the pavilion steps and into the toilet. 'Lost by a few yards,' he used to say.

I went for probably five or six winters. Everyone could - there was no hierarchy, just the need to go into Alf's office and pay the bill. He'd let anyone he knew hang around and bowl, or just hang around. Every saturday, a guy called Joe would come in for a net. It was usually booked for the end of the day, and I'd often bowl to him, as Jim's arm would be losing its edge. Joe didn't mind. He'd have been drinking brown ale in the bar since lunchtime, so he wasn't that bothered about what came down at him. I used to wonder what Joe was doing at Gover's, why he came; it wasn't until some years later that I realised he was alone and just needed somewhere to go. Gover's was his place.

One winter, my mate Simon, who was one of the coaches by then, discovered it was Joe's birthday, and organised a whip-round. We got him a little trophy of a batsman and had it inscribed, and a silver tankard for his brown ale. After his net, all of the coaches, Alf's son John who ran the shop downstairs, even Alf, fresh from the office, crept into the bar and gave them to him. It was the first time I'd ever seen a man cry. 

It was a magical place, one that I miss very much, along with the people. It's an upmarket housing development now. I don't know what happened to Jim Cameron, but I bet it was good, and I'd love to find out. Jim, if you ever see this, buddy...

Alf himself died in 2001, aged 93. Sleep well, and thank you.

Monday, 23 March 2009

What's eating Freddie Flintoff?

'I just don't understand vegetarianism. I can't imagine not eating meat. I love beef, lamb, red meat in general. I don't really count chicken as proper meat.'

He may have been absent from the sports pages of late, but readers of the Observer Food Magazine learned all about Freddie 'Andrew' Flintoff's refuelling habits yesterday.  And what a read it was:

'When I was a twentysomething cricketer, there was no such thing as a healthy fitness routine...' [Really? Are you sure about that, Fred?] ... 'I'd eat takeaways, never cook, go out and drink as much as I wanted...' 

'Cricket suddenly stopped being a seasonal sport...' [Is this Flintoff, or have the Observer Food people got him mixed up with WG Grace?] ... 'As a kid, I ate normal food, fish fingers, peas, that kind of thing'... 'I like to have a crack at exotic food when I'm abroad, but I wouldn't touch the stuff back home...' 'The only time I crack is over Christmas. Then I eat what I want, but only because we get a very short break from training. Now that I'm concentrating on my bowling, I have to be extra fit, and so that means no more bread and pasta and probably a lot more salad...'

More sala.... Hang on. Rewind there just a little. 'Now that I'm concentrating on my bowling...'? Here is some news, from the man who last season allegedly regarded himself as 'a batting all-rounder'. 

For Fred - batting averages over his last five Test series 15.66, 28.22, 28.55, 28.00, 16.75 -  it looks like reality bites at last. 

NB: As is the way with these things, Flintoff was interviewed on behalf of his new batmaker Puma. They will no doubt be pleased by the news. 

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Saint Michael

Is there nothing He cannot do?

Thursday, 19 March 2009

MPV player

Hear that? The unmistakable sound of an engine starting up. The engine of the Michael Vaughan bandwagon, that is. 

Everyone knows that Michael's been hitting it nicely in the nets. Goes without saying. But now he's hitting it nicely over in Abu Dhabi, too, where the previously underestimated Pro Arch trophy has assumed its rightful status as the series that will decide the fate of the Ashes.

On the hallowed turf of the Zayed Cricket stadium, MP Vaughan of Michael Vaughan's Yorkshire took 115 from the Surrey attack, a century that's got everyone talking.

'He looked exceptional, ' said Graham Thorpe, in attendance in his role as Surrey batting coach, 'It's the first run out for everybody, but apparently he's been stroking the ball well in the nets, annnnnnddd...'

Woah! Sorry, drifted off into an MPV-inspired reverie there. He's back! And he's hitt... well, you know the score.

Maybe someone should ask Geoffrey Boycott, Board Director at Michael Vaughan's Yorkshire. Oh, they have: 'He hasn't made runs since he pulled out of Test cricket. He came back for (Michael Vaughan's) Yorkshire, batted in around five innings, didn't add up to 20 runs, and all he's done is rested all winter. So he's got to get some runs for (Michael Vaughan's) Yorkshire to get picked. You can't pick him on reputation for something that happened five or six years ago in Australia. That's nonsense. Everybody's talking about his talent, but has he got the kick, the real desire? He's talking a good game, but I don't see any runs on the board.'

But Geoffrey, he's playing in the Zayed stadium, see, and he's hitting it really well and...