Your Free Cut Out And Keep Ashes Phony War Planner!

With just 36 days, 24 scheduled press conferences, 97 sponsor opportunities, 17,287 column inches, 365 hours of broadcast time and 145,604,967,845 twitter characters to be filled until someone bowls a ball at the Gabba that almost certainly will not go to second slip this time [ah Harmi, where art thou? Tis not the same without you], the phony war has begun.

So if you're as time-poor as most people these days, fear not. Simply print out this handy planner, grab a pen and delete as you feel appropriate:

Kevin Pietersen is/is not i] disruptive ii] finished iii] ready to make Australia pay iv] should be dropped

Ricky Ponting i] should ii] should not be sacked

Nathan Hauritz is i] rubbish ii] rubbish iii] rubbish

England's attack i] can ii] cannot bowl with a Kookaburra ball

Stuart Broad and Steve Finn are i] too young to play in the Ashes ii] young and hungry to win the Ashes

Mike Hussey should i] go back to number four ii] Go back to WA

i] England's or ii] Australia's middle order is vulnerable

Jimmy Anderson i] will ii] will not swing the ball

Shane Watson is i] Allan Border Medallist ii] number six batsman

Mitchell Johnson is i] quick ii] erratic iii] mental

England/Australia i] will ii] will not win 5-0

The English press's chief sportswriters i] will ii] will iii] will feel the need to dust off their 'chops'

Chris Broad's three hundreds in 1986-7 i] will ii] will be mentioned every tine Stuart does something good

Ian Botham and Shane Warne will i] laugh out loud ii] roll their eyes iii] express exasperation at the thought of i] boot camps ii] coaches iii] fielding practice iv] players who refuse to smoke/drink during a game

Right, let's get started, then...