Special agent

Much mirth ensued when, as their client's contract at Newcastle United expired, Michael Owen's agents produced a 32-page glossy brochure selling their man to potential employers.

'Michael Owen Summer 2009' was a delight; Michael ['the athlete, the ambassador, the icon'] was 'charismatic, clean, fit and healthy' and a 'hugely popular and experienced endorsee' with 'global appeal'.

How we laughed [until he signed on for Man U of course], because this was football and footballers are ludicrous. 

And then Vic Marks wrote an excellent piece highlighting the following email that had dropped into his inbox:

'Stephen Moore is bracing himself for the speculation that will surround his possible call-up to the Ashes squad. Never has Stephen been more ready for full England Test honors [sic]. With injuries rife, Bell severely lacking in form and Ravi Bopara proving vulnerable, there is surely no-one else who has stated there [sic] claim for a spot with such distinction and, more importantly, form'.

The sender? Moore's agent, of course. You can probably stop bracing yourself for a while now, Steve...